Bed, Bath & Beyond Grammar!

I didn't want anyone to think I was being mean or malicious with this, so I waited a while before scanning and posting this. Other than putting a line through the address of the specific store location that put out this horrid excuse for a flyer, this image/document has not been doctored whatsoever. In fact, the entire Bridal area was littered with signs chock full of poor or otherwise incomprehensible grammar.

See how many of the errors you can find. Then lose 2d6+5 SAN. If you get that joke, regain 1d6 SAN.

Stop crime - learn to read!

I was doing some independent research for a newsletter article for my day job when I found this:

LITERACY STATISTICS & JUVENILE COURT:

• 85% of all juveniles who interface with the juvenile court system are functionally illiterate
• More than 60% of all prison inmates are functionally illiterate.
• Penal institution records show that inmates have a 16% chance of returning to prison if they receive literacy help, as opposed to 70% who receive no help. This equates to taxpayer costs of $25,000 per year per inmate and nearly double that amount for juvenile offenders.
• Illiteracy and crime are closely related. The Department of Justice states, "The link between academic failure and delinquency, violence, and crime is welded to reading failure." Over 70% of inmates in America's prisons cannot read above a fourth grade level.

So help keep the streets clean and safe and spread the word about our shirts and totes because, clearly, Grammar Matters!

Screaming Tiki Con

Okay, so I was in Ohio a few weeks ago for the Screaming Tiki Convention - the only sizable comic/pop culture convention in the Cleveland area for over 30 years. Or so I'm told.

First off, I have to say that Cleveland folks are the absolutely nicest group of collective people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting - from the security, the parking garage attendants, the volunteers and even the bar tenders/waiters. All these folks went out of their way to make my first experience in Ohio a really great one.

Then, of course, the celebrities were awesome: Pappa Adama, Michael Rosenbaum, Sam Witwer, and all the rest. Really cool folks, all, especially when it came to signing the charity shirt, which I hope to be ready to auction by the end of this year.

Anyway, the absolutely best part of my Ohio venture were two very young children: Gabe and Austyn (brother and sister, respectively). They both dream of becoming artists and - even though I told them I was not the artist responsible for the designs - they both still insisted on getting my autograph. That brings me back to the days just after college, when I went around doing book signings and poetry slams. Good times :)

I look forward to returning to Screaming Tiki Con (and Ohio in general) next year.

Uncle Jack - OMG That's Real??

Uncle Jack is universally considered a lewd design. I understand why (sexual and taboo nature). This is also - in part - why it's so hilarious (probably less so for girls).

Anyway, while I was at my neighbor's baby shower this weekend, I met her best friend from South Carolina who went to school to learn about horses (the name of the program is really long and I can't remember it). As we got to talking about my shirts and her horses, it was inevitable that Uncle Jack took center stage.

The process of 'milking' a horse was explained to me. I'll spare the gruesome details, but basically one person holds a bucket while the other reaches in to squeeze the prostate. None of her classmates were particularly enthused - let alone comfortable - with that part of the course. And this particular lady was exempt from any of the hands-on activities due to a broken bone.

With my mind effectively blown, I couldn't help but ask, "Well why not just let nature take its course?"

Apparently because nature is kinky and totally into S&M.

See, the Stallion sometimes gets a little rough and bites the Mare's crest (the part of the neck where the mane grows from). This isn't a playful kind of bite though. It usually draws blood. But thanks to the course of their evolution (mainly being prey animals), they have no nerve endings in their crest (or their tails, as it turns out). So the Mare doesn't feel any pain.

Aside from being gross to clean up after, I imagine there'd be a risk of infection to the open wounds in addition to the obvious cosmetic complications.

She says that some breeders use the equivalent of blow-up dolls. I don't know if these dolls are actually like robots at all or if our tangent started after that (ie, "If you elect me mayor, I promise a robot in every house!").

So the moral of the story is, "Wow. I never imagined Mother Nature was such a kinky girl!"

Cubicle Buddies!

Okay, so Red Tie Products is run out of my house. At least for the time being.

Anyway, Marie and I have our own separate (though adjacent) offices. She uses hers to correct papers and whatnot when she's being an English teacher, as well as whatever crafts she's up to. I use mine for Red Tie Products and all my other projects. Except I never had enough room in my office for storage, so I kept everything in 'the tower' (the storage space on the third floor).

Anyway, we agreed to be cubicle buddies (ie, she's moving her office into mine), and her old office is going to be storage for all textiles, including my t-shirts and her sewing projects.

Huzzah!

And don't ask me how, but the way that I rearranged everything, there's WAY more space.

Also, I found our Christmas tree and 2-in-1 heater/air conditioner! (we've been looking for them for the past year and a half!)

So yeah, in case anyone's had a delay in getting their orders shipped out, this is, in part, why.

Nicki Clyne a Grammar Geek??

We met Nicki Clyne Friday night at the I-Con SF 'Meet the Pros' event, a very informal gathering of guests and celebrities.

For those of you who don't know, Nicki played Crewman Specialist Cally Henderson-Tyrol on the remake of the Battlestar Galactica television series.

Anyway, I wasn't expecting to talk very much. I hate feeling like I'm pestering people. Anyway, after Marie and Nicki talked about the panel earlier in the day (and the fact that Marie asked a really good question), and BSG in general, the conversation was somehow plopped into my lap.

Okay, maybe it wasn't so mysterious. When you're at a party in uniform, people tend to ask what's up. So, making myself comfortable at the table, I told Nicki what the Red Tie Products is all about. To my surprise, she was very receptive to (and enthusiastic about) the idea. I definitely didn't see that coming, but I guess it's because her mother is (was?) an English teacher. Nicki is also a self-proclaimed geek, so maybe I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was.

Anyway, impressed with Nicki's willingness to hang out with a bunch of potential crazies after a long day to have a polite conversation (in addition to her enthusiasm), I offered her a complimentary shirt before excusing myself to let her finish her meal in peace.

She smiled and said she'd love to drop by the booth if she could get away from her table.


Saturday came and went, just as hectic as Friday. Being a man of my word, and doubting that she would be able to get away from her booth (not only does it get pretty busy, but I also give horrible directions at conventions), I dropped by her table to say hello and let her pick her favorite designs.


Sunday was almost gone before Jonny and I were able to coordinate something with Nicki. After apologizing for being sold out of her size for her top pick (Pears/Pairs), she graciously accepted an oversized "Pears" design as a workout shirt and, as part of my apology, a "Studying Abroad" design (her second favorite) as well. In exchange, Nicki offered to take a few pictures with us at no charge. That seemed like a very fair deal to me. After a minute of chit-chat, we all went our separate ways. Maybe next time we'll remember to ask her about her peace activism.

In the meanwhile, you can always check out Nicki's website and blog at http://www.NickiClyne.com.

You Must Not Read From The Blog!

If you're reading this, then you might want to consider a hobby and/or career that doesn't involve adventuring, mummies, Egyptology, museums, treasure hunting, obscure books/languages or anything related to H.P. Lovecraft/Cthulu. Librarians, gunfighters and members of secret societies are also suspect. If your career and/or hobby already involves one or more of these, then you may have doomed us all. Good job.

But since you're here and we probably don't have much time before the end of the world thanks to your insatiable curiosity and blatant disregard for clear warnings, you might as well finish what you started.

[Necronom]I-Con SF is a "book" that outlines the ritual gathering of human flesh and blood. The name itself roughly translates to, "A gathering of sci-fi and fantasy geeks."

The most notable of the many arcane rituals requires a high priest (roughly translating to 'celebrity' or 'special guest' - scholars can't decide which) to channel the flock's Geekery by recalling anecdotes and answering questions.

Strangely, it's also common for those participating in any rituals to wear - as tribute - intricate costumes, practically guaranteeing that they will never be forgotten by the Geek Gods That Must Not Be Named.

. . .

But enough tangents and tomfoolery. I could keep that analogy going for a long time (not that I needed to cut out a few paragraphs or anything *cough* *cough*). Nevertheless, it's a pretty accurate description of what happens at any con (in case you've never been to one).

Specific activities or themes might vary from con to con (specific to genre, theme, TV series/film, etc.). Panel discussions, Q&As, trivia contests and even Live Action Role Playing (LARPing) are common. Often, it's a smorgasbord (can you believe that's a real word?) of, well, pretty much anything you can imagine, from Final Fantasy to the Oregon Trail.

As our neighbor observed,

"Where else can you see eight different Links in the same room as elves and [Imperial] Stormtroopers?"

And he's right. Cons are like mega gigantic no holds barred sort of crazy weekend-long Halloween parties (except the 'free candy' happens to be eye candy instead of free swag for your taste buds). So if you've never gone to one, you should change that.

Now, I-Con isn't the biggest or most prestigious of all the cons on the tour chart, but I'd say it has one of the best personalities. Everyone - guests, celebrity/special guests, vendors and volunteers - were really totally wicked cool (sorry, I was channeling some Bill & Ted there).

Examples:
Dennis and Kelly Sullivan helped us get celebrity signatures for our charity shirt, our fellow vendors (neighbors and otherwise) were willing to help us out more than once (namely, Kimono Girls lent us their spare PVC piping to hang our banner from), guests and special guests hung out with us at the booth, and even Nicki Clyne seemed to enjoy our company.

And, adding a nice scientific balance to wild creativity, there were physics (and other) professors leading panel discussions on science in science fiction, and so on.

The only thing I regret is not having enough space to set up Mr. Grammar. After all, he does have the power to save us from certain doom!

*hrm*

So before I get carried away again, I guess the moral of the story is that if the world (or at least humanity's place in it) isn't completely and utterly destroyed, we hope to see you at (Necronom)I-Con SF in 2010!

Maybe by then we'll finally have hover cars.

[Okay, seriously, I did a really quick Google Image search for 'Cthulu Fan Art' and found this great image. Not only does Michael Dashow's art rock, apparently we share a similar sense of humor.... Now go check out the rest of this guy's awesome work!]